When we set out on this journey we had no idea what we were getting into. At first we thought it was us. That we were ill-equipped, unprepared, and naive. In hindsight, there is truth in that. We were definitely ill-equipped, unprepared and naive. The more and more we researched and got to know other people who have had similar experiences though, the more we realized how little of that was actually our fault. We had no idea how incredibly broken the world is, specifically the world around adoption and foster care. The problem with a broken system is that it is directing and affecting the lives of broken and hurting humans. And all that broken hurt shows up on the doorstep of a few unsuspecting but big-hearted people, who are also imperfect humans with their own brokenness.
That’s a lot of brokenness guys. It’s way too much brokenness for me to tackle in one measly little blog post.
But there is a big piece I have wanted to start tackling for awhile now. The practical piece that not a single google search, book, therapist, or Hail Mary Prayer could truly answer for us when we started out – the how. Not the overarching “just love them” or “you just have to meet them where they’re at” type of advice that’s out there. Those are true and good, but I mean the nitty gritty, down and dirty, in the trenches and not sure how we’ll get out practical application of HOW we do this. Daily. Hourly. Sometimes one excruciatingly long minute at a time. Generals don’t go into battle with a plan that simply says “we’re going to march here and win”. There are details. There are small parts and big parts. There are milestones and measurement tools used to track success and failure. They have an execution strategy and I’ll be straight with you – parenting kids with Reactive Attachment can feel like marching in a really long, scary and unknown battle. And so, we too have to have an execution strategy. I don’t say that because these kids are just terrible little people we have to battle and fight – I say that because we are in a fight to help heal them and their souls. To help them overcome the challenges they face that aren’t their fault. We are fighting for them and for their futures.
But what does that execution strategy look like? I can see the irony in feeling called to answer this question in this month of all months. A quick look at our notes for October and this is what I see:
It sounds dramatic, but it really does suck. If ever there was a month to challenge what little Ray and I know about execution strategy, this month is definitely the one. I recognize my hesitation in sharing this post because there are days I definitely don’t feel like an authority on how to do this. In fact, we just weathered one helluva storm last night that we’re still recovering from. I also recognize that there are a lot of us out in the world trying to figure it out, and if some of our tools and plans can help lighten the burden or help heal more children then who am I to let my insecurities stand in the way? What better way for the darkness to keep winning than for me to keep all this to myself?
Execution Strategy Step #1: Accept that parenting these kids looks nothing like parenting other kids, even other kids with trauma, and be ok being different.
I have alluded to this in other posts, but I feel like it bears repeating. Nothing ever works with these kids when we can’t commit to being ok with judgement from others, judgement from our kids, judgement from our families, and our biggest judge of all – ourselves. We have had to let go of the guilt and hold tight to the knowledge that we know better than anyone what works for each of our children – and that looks different on the daily. Nothing undermines us faster than wishy washy commitment can. This is true for parenting all children, I think, but it is paramount with these special kiddos.
When I truly embrace this step, like really grab ahold of it and run – my kids heal. When they heal, our family thrives and we experience familial healing together. That is the goal, and at least for us that is exactly why Jesus called us to this life – to experience healing together. After 3 years and the data points I have to pull from, it is easy to pinpoint the times I let the judgement win versus the times I stuck to my guns. It is easy for me to look at the highs and lows, or even the even-keeled moments and see when things went awry and why. Most often, things go awry when we let go of this step. Whether it is from outside influence or we were just too exhausted and wanted so badly for them to not need this special level of parenting, it just is simply not worth giving into.
What does this look like? It looks like saying no a lot. Sometimes in our house it means accepting that family traditions from our lives before we said yes to this mission are no longer viable. In our house, for example, traveling for a big meal with extended family on the actual day of the holiday is just not an option. There are too many players and people, too many triggers both known and unknown, and just too much that we aren’t able to control. So we just plan not to participate in that way. Our new Thanksgiving & Christmas tradition is still molding and shifting, but we have settled on a quiet meal in our own home with just our immediate people around the table. It has taken me a few years to be ok with this and I would say I still battle resentment at times for not seeing my family or keeping some of our previous traditions. In our case, my family is flexible and it seems to work out for everyone that we do our big gatherings outside of the actual day with less of a “to-do” and that has been a nice compromise.
What does this look like? It looks like taking a hard stance when the average parent might take a compromise or be flexible. Last minute change to a practice schedule that disrupts routine or allows some triangulation between the child and the adults? It is more likely than not we will at minimum skip practice or if it appears to be a recurring issue we will simply remove our child from the activity. Reactive Attachment loves chaos and it loves triangulation. We work really hard to not give it room to thrive, and so we can’t allow outside influence to affect our progress in this area.
What does this look like? It looks like we hate celebrations. In our home, depending on the day of the week or the month in the year, or even just recent situational events, we have learned to downplay and do celebrations differently. I am convinced the outside world thinks we are living, breathing, Scrooge’s, but we learned through trial and error (so much trial…so much error) that it was not worth the fallout and we have learned to care more about what is happening in our home than what the world thinks about our home. Cupcakes for birthdays at school? Nope. Big birthday meals in restaurants? Nope. Parties and sleepovers? Not a chance. I will elaborate on celebrations in a later execution strategy step, but what I am trying to hone in on here is that it is really freaking hard to NOT celebrate your child. Even (and maybe especially?) a child that drives you crazy. It goes against EVERYthing I know to be true about parenting. It is not how I was raised and it certainly is not what I envisioned. I love to shower my kids with celebrations – it is one of my most cherished love languages. And I feel so much guilt over letting a birthday or a huge success go by without going to the 9’s for it. But we know how to do this better for our kids now, and so I have to let it go. I had to find a different way and let go of what I thought it should look like. This means sometimes I have to deal with friends who will vocally disagree with me or offer me ‘well-meaning advice’. Sometimes it means I have to tell relatives no to certain gifts. Other times I have to be ok feeling isolated because we’re just a weird family and it can be hard to assimilate into a society that doesn’t understand.
What does this look like? It looks like we don’t have the same priorities that others do. In our house, we don’t do a lot of sports unless the child and our household can handle the extra stuff it brings into our home, physically and emotionally. In our house, we have doctor appointments for medications and therapy appointments to process trauma – theirs and our own. We try our best to not ever skip those, which means our kids miss school, activities, and we both at times miss work. In our house we take mental health days from school and from work when we need to. Ray bears the brunt of these in our current familial lifestyle, but it can be and is very hard sometimes. In our house, mental health is a big deal and we talk about it. Out loud. In real time and with reverence. We understand that our co-workers or our extended family, or even some teachers may not get it and may not agree with placing this as a top priority, but we do our best not to allow their disapproval to change how we handle this in our home. We have to place boundaries on this sometimes with people and we have accepted that others just think we’re extreme or over-thinking it. We aren’t and we don’t need their approval. I type that with strength now – 3 years ago Brandi would have cowered at the idea of admitting that any of us go to therapy. This was not an easy one to tackle and I still struggle with this. The world is still very much a “suck it up buttercup” space and it can make it tempting to try and tackle all this heavy stuff by ourselves. But that isn’t what is best for any one of us or our family unit, so we have embraced and accepted that mental health is a big deal.
This is not easy. Even just typing this step was hard, guys. It’s often painful and at times it is downright terrifying. We are not perfect. We fail at this in big and small ways sometimes and when we look back we see how we could have handled things differently in certain situations. Other times after we have had a lot of successes, it is important to try something new to see how it goes. Sometimes it works and sometimes it flops – that is ok too! But we always have to come back to the acceptance and the commitment to parent these kids how they need to be parented. Not how the world, or our grandma, or the lady across the street, or the teacher at school thinks they need to be parented. A fellow adoptive mama referred to this as “combat parenting” and I felt like it was spot on. This is not your everyday life of a parent here – this is showing up every day to battle really hard things that are not your fault, for kids who had no choice, for very little acknowledgement or praise (quite the opposite sometimes), all because you felt called and said yes.
I lead with this step because all the steps that follow in future posts are basically real life practical examples and extensions of what I’m alluding to above. This is how WE parent these kids for the very real needs and opportunities and strengths they have. These steps might seem strange or they may make sense after I explain them. If you’re a parent down here in the trenches with us I hope this helps you or at least helps you to not feel so alone. If you’re someone in the life of a parent with a child with Reactive Attachment, I hope this gives you some perspective and empowers you to look deeper into the trenches with them. I have to believe that there is strength in numbers and even more strength in understanding. If we are to overcome this very real, very harsh disorder, it is going to have to start by coming together to support, to learn, and to love.
I believe in my heart that Jesus called us to this and even though it isn’t easy, there will be great purpose for what we’re doing. I don’t have to know what it is, to know there is something greater to this journey we’re on. If there’s anything I can encourage in this step #1, it is that this being different thing in the name of your family and your children – it has great purpose. And you can do this, because He is with you.