“You’re like a caged tiger, pacing back and forth waiting to spring.”
It was a Saturday morning and we had quite a day ahead of us, so Ray wasn’t wrong when he said that to me. We were staring down a day that was supposed to start with a Back to School Breakfast, followed by Ray and I singing in a wedding, and ending with some running around to other activities. We had been coordinating child care and I was just pacing the kitchen trying to get it all done and managing to get very little actually done. Ray knows me sometimes better than I care to admit and he said that to try and get my attention. I decided I needed to go for a run and he all but shoved me out the door.
Running is one my grounding activities. It not only puts physical space between myself and my obligations, but it provides time to just think freely and reflect. When I end up running out of necessity and not just as optional self-care I have learned to spend that time thinking about why I’m so anxious. “How did I get here?” is not just a whimsical question – I have to take the time to figure it out so I can correct. My family needs me at my best and I can’t do that if I haven’t taken care of my whole self. So what was it?
We have busy weekends all the time – there are 8 Martins! So it wasn’t the “busy” that was causing such anxiety. After some thought about what the day held ahead, I realized the pancake breakfast was causing some serious problems. Ray and I learned after a year or two of foster parenting that we needed to start taking notes so we could remind ourselves when certain triggers reared or different events were just too much. Earlier in the week I had pulled up the note from the Pancake Breakfast the year before:
Pancake Breakfast:
- Go Late
- Let Kids sleep late
- Possibly have EVERYONE run/walk before
- Plan quiet time immediately afterward WITH MIMOSAS
- Have a plan for the rest of the day to keep everyone centered/grounded
- Verbally/mentally prepare everyone for expectations and remind us all how overstimulating it can be
- Possibly plan a walk over to school to review classrooms.
Oh yea….
When you have kids from tough places, especially kids with Reactive Attachment, walking into an event filled with people is a big stressful ordeal. We made this note in an attempt to try and not have it destroy our day the next time – so we could make the event less anxiety filled for our kids. But just reading it was causing ME anxiety. There is so much pre-planning, pre-stressing, pre-thinking, and strategizing that goes into something like this for us that I was just overdrawn. In addition, when we take the kids into this environment with “normal” families the anxiety we feel as parents is astronomical. Will they feel safe? Will they listen? Will they act their age? Will people stare at us? Will people ask us inappropriate questions? Will anyone understand if they act “weird”? What if they meltdown? What if another kid isn’t nice to them? What if an adult comes down on them without realizing their special needs? What if…
I found myself wishing we could just skip it and I immediately felt guilty. All the “normal” families go. They meet teachers and they socialize, the kids find out what class they’re in and it is just super awesome. But it isn’t super awesome for me because isn’t super awesome for my kids right now.
At this point in my run I had almost reached the hill. You remember the hill right?
I didn’t want to run it and I spent at least ¼ mile trying to talk myself into it. I finally asked myself why. WHY do I need to run up that hill? What is it I am trying to prove? I am on this run so I can feel better so what does berating myself into running up a hill do for me? Why can’t I be ok not running up the hill today?
Ding Ding Ding. Why? Pride. Lack of acceptance of what I needed in that moment. Not being ok with making a different choice even though that’s what I needed that day. Perceiving the other choice as a failure when it really isn’t. Which is the same reason I was struggling so much with my anxiety at home – I wasn’t ok being different and I was seeing being different as a personal failure.
The truth is, being a parent is hard and we all have kids who are different in their own unique ways. But our kids’ needs make it hard for them to do basic function sometimes (sometimes all the time) and that in turn makes it hard for us to function. It takes a higher level of care and it takes its toll on us if we aren’t careful. We have to take special care to do what is best for our whole family to function well and a lot of times that means we look different. It means we make different choices than a lot of other great parents. It means we say no a lot, to them and to others. It means we try and keep birthdays for Martin #7 super low key. It means Martin #6 can’t have access to internet or cell phones. It means we often send just one parent to the big kids’ events if they are in the evenings after school. It means we never leave Martins #6 and Martins #7 alone together. It means I sit with my husband, his ex-wife, her husband, and all our kids in the bleachers because that’s what our family stands for. It means I have to make two 600+ calorie smoothies every morning so Martin #7 stays on the growth chart. It means we have to screen our choices for child care and we very rarely feel comfortable using it. It means we have to pre-screen content for retreats because there are a lot of hidden triggers for kids from hard places which almost always leads to tough conversations with adults and teachers who put on these retreats. It means we have to request and sometimes demand special accomodations for all our kids at school, not just Martin #6 and Martin #7. It means that schools have to bring in extra chairs for meetings because there are 3-4 parents instead of just 1-2. It means I have to sometimes say no to work trips and we both say no to social outings 9 out of 10 times. It means that we often spread dinner out to two different dinner tables so the anxiety of a “big meal” doesn’t become an issue. It means we don’t sign up for things. It means we don’t volunteer for extra’s that take us out of our home more often. It means we just live differently. Period.
I never in a million years dreamed of this life, but it is my life and it is the life I was called to. I love my family even with all the different. In fact, a lot of days I LOVE the different. But not everyone gets it and a lot of people are put off by it. That can make it hard and it can make even this strong and resilient mom feel judged and isolated. Some days it gets to me more than others and I end up pacing like a tiger as Ray so eloquently put it that day. Some days I just crave being normal, but that craving can eventually cause me a lot of anxiety so I have to find a way to just be ok with being different.
So at the bottom of that hill I had two choices: battle up the hill or run around it.
I decided to run around it and when I got home we collectively agreed we needed to skip the breakfast this year. Not because we couldn’t handle it, but because sometimes you just have to be ok taking the easier path. Sometimes you have to take a rest day and that means choosing to walk when the rest of the world is running by – and being ok with it.
My family and how we choose to live, love and succeed together in this life is a different path. It is a difficult one filled with challenges and short on resources, but it is also a fruitful one. This last week I was able to take a trip with Martin #3 and her mom just the 3 of us. The world tells us that is a pretty different and weird situation. I think the 3 of us would agree that it was a pretty special trip. This last Tuesday evening Martin #6 was taught her ELA lesson by Martin #3, Martins #4 and #5 did their homework, Martin #6 walked the dogs, Ray worked in the yard, and I made dinner while Martin #8 kept his bigs entertained singing the ABC’s. It was one of the most normal evenings we have ever had. If different means living in that beautiful circus and saying no so we can be home to experience it together, then bring on the different. God didn’t call us to this to try and make our family normal – He called us to bring them love in whatever way we can. He didn’t tell us it would be easy or normal or even that people would understand and support us. He only told us it would be worth it.
It is.